I just want to go somewhere and let this all go. My rage, my pain, my anger, frustration, hurt. I want this to end.
It's supposedly easy for me. Well, that's bullshit. There are aspects that are, but overall it is not easy at all. I hate every second of my life right now. Any fun or seeming happiness you see right now...is an act. A facade. You may find this hard to believe, but even someone like me has some feelings, and they all just hurt right now.
To hear that I somehow just made this as a snap decision...just a whim, with no consideration at all...that is such utter crap. I question this every waking minute of every day. I hate this...it is not what I wanted.
Now that it's inevitable...I wanted to at least make it as painless as possible. As minimally devastating as possible, for everyone. Well, so much for that. Rational and sensible take a back seat to emotion. Apparently the preferred course is bitter, resentful, and painful. For however long we have to share the same roof, it has to be hostile, or at least tense.
So...what life I thought I had is over, with no turning back, and it can't even end decently. It has to drag out like an ugly, painful cancer that can't even kill its host quickly.
I once believed in all those fairy tales that life could be happy. Well, I was wrong. The only thing you can depend on is that it begins, is a barrel of shit, and ends. Maybe the religious people are right...there is a Hell, and it's here.
The world wouldn't miss me, and at this point I sure wouldn't miss the world.